Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: How EMDR Therapy Can Help Build Your Confidence
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: How EMDR Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Voice
People-pleasing is often praised as kindness, generosity, or being a “good person.” But when your own needs are constantly sacrificed for the comfort of others, it’s not kindness—it’s survival mode. And it can be exhausting.
You might feel stuck saying “yes” when you mean “no,” agreeing to things out of guilt or fear, and constantly monitoring how you come across to make sure everyone else is happy. People-pleasing can feel like being trapped in a performance where you’re never allowed to rest.
But here’s the thing: People-pleasing is a learned behavior. And like any learned behavior, it can be unlearned.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a coping mechanism where you prioritize other people’s needs, wants, or feelings over your own—often to your own detriment. It usually comes from a deep-rooted belief that you must be agreeable, helpful, or likable to be loved, accepted, or even safe.
People-pleasing often shows up as:
• Saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
• Overcommitting and feeling overwhelmed.
• Constantly apologizing, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
• Suppressing your own thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or rejection.
• Feeling guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
• Needing validation or approval from others to feel worthy.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
People-pleasing often develops as a response to early experiences where love, safety, or acceptance felt conditional.Maybe you grew up in a household where compliance was rewarded and asserting yourself was punished or dismissed. Maybe you learned that meeting others’ needs was the only way to avoid conflict or criticism.
It’s also common for people-pleasing to develop as a result of relational trauma or living in environments where authenticity was not welcomed. This can include:
• Emotionally immature or controlling family dynamics.
• Cultural or societal expectations that teach women to be agreeable and accommodating.
• Experiences of rejection or abandonment that led to a belief that pleasing others is necessary for acceptance.
When these experiences aren’t fully processed, your brain continues to respond as if pleasing others is a requirement for emotional safety. That’s where EMDR therapy can make a difference.
How EMDR Therapy Can Help With People-Pleasing
Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps you address the underlying beliefs and emotional wounds that drive people-pleasing. Through bilateral stimulation, EMDR allows your brain to reprocess painful experiences so they no longer hold power over you.
EMDR therapy can help you:
• Identify the origins of your people-pleasing behaviors.
• Challenge negative beliefsabout yourself (e.g., “I have to be agreeable to be loved” or “My needs don’t matter”).
• Reprocess distressing memories that fuel your need to please others.
• Strengthen positive beliefslike “My voice matters” and “It’s okay to prioritize my needs.”
• Build confidence in setting boundaries and honoring your own needs.
What to Expect During EMDR Therapy Sessions
During EMDR sessions, we’ll work together to:
1. Identify specific memories or patterns that contribute to your people-pleasing.
2. Explore the negative beliefs you’ve internalized, such as “If I say no, people will leave me” or “I’m only valuable if I’m helpful.”
3. Develop empowering beliefs that feel true and authentic.
4. Use bilateral stimulation (like eye movements or tapping) to reprocess distressing experiences and help your brain heal.
As the therapy progresses, you’ll notice that the emotional grip of people-pleasing starts to loosen. You may feel more comfortable asserting your needs, saying no, and embracing your own desires without guilt or fear.
Why EMDR Therapy Works for People-Pleasing
People-pleasing is often about survival and safety. When you’ve learned that pleasing others is the only way to avoid rejection, criticism, or conflict, it becomes a habit rooted in fear.
EMDR therapy works because it helps you reprocess those original experiences, allowing your brain to update outdated beliefs and responses. Instead of feeling compelled to please others, you gain the freedom to make choices based on your own desires, values, and needs.
Are You Ready to Reclaim Your Voice?
People-pleasing doesn’t have to be your default setting. Through EMDR therapy, you can let go of the fear, guilt, and old beliefs that have been holding you back. I offer secure, online therapy for women in Michigan, Missouri, Colorado, Texas, and South Carolina.
Ready to break free from people-pleasing and start living for yourself? Contact me today to schedule your first session.