The Problem with Perfect: Understanding Perfectionism and How EMDR Therapy Can Help
The Problem with Perfect: Understanding Perfectionism and How EMDR Therapy Can Help
For many women, perfectionism doesn’t look like everything being neat and tidy—it looks like anxiety. It looks like working late, second-guessing every decision, hiding your mistakes, or feeling like you’re never quite enough, no matter how hard you try.
Perfectionism often masquerades as ambition, responsibility, or “just having high standards,” but underneath is usually something much deeper: fear of failure, shame, or a sense that your worth depends on your performance.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism is the internal pressure to be flawless, perform without error, and avoid failure at all costs. Psychologically, it often stems from early experiences where love, praise, or safety felt conditional—based on achievement, compliance, or being “good.”
Perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. It’s not about doing your best—it’s about trying to avoid being seen as inadequate.
There are different forms of perfectionism, including:
• Self-oriented perfectionism: “I have to get everything right.”
• Socially prescribed perfectionism: “Others expect me to be perfect.”
• Other-oriented perfectionism: “I expect others to be perfect.”
Psychologist Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett, who developed the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale in the 1990s, found that perfectionism is strongly linked to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and chronic self-criticism.
How Does Perfectionism Show Up in Therapy?
Perfectionism might be part of what brings someone to therapy—or what makes it hard to get started in the first place. You might notice:
• Difficulty starting or finishing projects due to fear of not doing it “right”
• A harsh inner critic that won’t let up
• Constant comparison to others
• Struggles with vulnerability or asking for help
• Feeling emotionally flat, numb, or disconnected under the pressure
And maybe you’ve already tried mindset shifts, journaling, or even traditional talk therapy—and you’re still stuck.
How EMDR Helps with Perfectionism
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful therapeutic approach that helps identify and reprocess the deeper emotional roots of perfectionism. Often, these patterns are linked to earlier experiences that taught you your worth had to be earned, not inherent.
With EMDR, we don’t just challenge perfectionist thoughts—we target the emotional material underneath them.
EMDR can help you:
• Process memories tied to performance pressure or conditional acceptance
• Release shame and fear of judgment
• Build a felt sense of enough-ness, even when things aren’t perfect
• Rewire beliefs like “I’m not good enough unless I succeed” or “Mistakes mean failure”
What You Can Do Right Now
Even if you’re not ready for therapy, here are some ways to begin shifting perfectionism:
1. Notice the perfectionist voice.
Write down what it says. Then ask: Would I talk to a friend this way?
2. Practice “good enough.”
Try letting something be done imperfectly on purpose. Let the email go without rereading it three times. Put the project down before it’s perfect.
3. Connect with your values.
Ask yourself: What matters most here—being perfect, or being present? Looking polished, or feeling honest?
4. Rest as resistance.
Perfectionism often masks overwork. Rest is a skill. Practice it like it matters—because it does.
Perfectionism Isn’t Who You Are. It’s a Strategy You Learned.
You don’t have to keep carrying the pressure to be perfect. You’re allowed to be human, and still be deeply worthy. EMDR therapy can help you get unstuck from these old patterns and reconnect with your whole self—not just the part that performs.
I offer online EMDR therapy for women in Michigan, Missouri, Colorado, South Carolina, and Texas.
If you’re ready to feel less anxious, more grounded, and more like yourself again—let’s talk.
Contact me today to schedule your first session or learn more today.