Why You Can’t Move On—and What to Do About It

Letting Go

One of the most difficult things we ask of ourselves in therapy is this: How do I let go?

Of the relationship that ended, the identity that no longer fits, the mistake I can’t stop replaying.

Letting go is not a single decision—it’s a process. And it’s not about forgetting, pretending something didn’t matter, or forcing yourself to move on. It’s about shifting the way you relate to something that once had power over you.

As a therapist, I don’t view stuckness as a failure of willpower. I see it as a message. People don’t stay stuck because they’re lazy or broken—they stay stuck because something in their nervous system, belief system, or emotional history is looping. Often, it’s a form of protection: If I hold on, I won’t forget. If I stay here, I won’t be blindsided again.

What Does It Mean to Be Stuck?

Stuckness is not a diagnosis, but it’s a lived experience that shows up across symptoms and seasons of life. Some people feel stuck in grief, others in guilt, shame, anger, or longing. Sometimes it’s about a specific relationship. Sometimes it’s about a version of yourself you can’t seem to reach again.

Being stuck may look like:

   •   Mentally replaying the same event

   •   Holding on to resentment, even when you want to let it go

   •   Feeling unable to make decisions or move forward

   •   Continuing to engage in patterns you’ve outgrown

Most of the time, the stuck part isn’t the event—it’s the emotional or cognitive attachment to what it meant, what it cost, or what it says about you.

Why Is Letting Go So Hard?

Because holding on often makes sense on some level. It may have served a protective function.

   •   Holding on to blame may feel safer than risking hurt again.

   •   Holding on to guilt may feel like a way to stay loyal to what was lost.

   •   Holding on to a story—“I was rejected,” “I wasn’t enough,” “They should have treated me better”—can create a sense of control or identity.

Letting go often stirs up grief. And many people haven’t been taught how to grieve what they can’t resolve: the apology that never came, the dream that didn’t happen, the way you wish it had been. Letting go may feel like giving up, when really, it’s about releasing the parts that keep you from living fully now.

How We Let Go in Therapy

Letting go isn’t a one-size-fits-all event. It’s a process I help clients move through gently, at the pace of readiness. It often involves emotional processing, belief work, nervous system regulation, and small, intentional actions.

1. We Start With Curiosity

We explore:

   •   What are you holding onto, and what does it represent?

   •   What would letting go mean to you—and what do you fear would happen if you did?

   •   Where do you feel stuck: in your thoughts, your body, your emotions, or your identity?

Understanding the function of the stuckness helps us move forward with compassion, not force.

2. We Process the Emotional Charge

Sometimes clients say, “I know it wasn’t my fault—but I still feel like it was.”

This is where cognitive insight and emotional truth collide. We might use EMDR, mindfulness, or somatic tools to help your body catch up to what your mind already knows.

You don’t have to relive everything, but we do create space to feel what was never fully felt.

Sadness. Rage. Shame. Regret. Relief.

You can’t let go of what you haven’t named.

3. We Look at the Story You’ve Been Telling

Using CBT or narrative techniques, we examine the beliefs and interpretations that may be reinforcing stuckness.

   •   What are you believing about yourself because of this experience?

   •   What’s the evidence for and against that belief?

   •   Can we create a more flexible, self-compassionate way of understanding it?

This is where letting go becomes a shift in identity—not denial of what happened, but a redefinition of what it means.

4. We Create New Action Patterns

Behavior change anchors psychological change. That might mean:

   •   Saying no when you usually say yes

   •   Deleting something that keeps you tethered

   •   Writing a letter you don’t send

   •   Committing to a value-based decision, even when it’s uncomfortable

Each time you act from a place of clarity instead of habit, your system learns something new: I am capable of change.

What Letting Go Might Look Like

   •   Letting go of a relationship might mean no longer trying to rewrite the ending.

   •   Letting go of guilt might mean acknowledging harm, offering repair if possible, and choosing to grow forward instead of staying in punishment.

   •   Letting go of a fantasy might mean grieving the life you imagined—and then making space for what’s real.

Letting go is not about erasing your past. It’s about carrying it differently—so it doesn’t carry you.

Final Thoughts

People often ask, “How do I know when I’ve let go?”

You’ll know because the story no longer hijacks your day. You’ll feel it in your body—less tightness, more breath. You’ll notice yourself making choices from the present, not the past.

You won’t forget what happened. But you will stop letting it define who you are.

Therapy creates the space for this kind of transformation. Not by pushing you to move on, but by helping you move through—with safety, compassion, and the belief that your future is worth making space for.

Are You Ready to Move Forward?

You don’t have to stay stuck in the same painful patterns. Through EMDR therapy, you can finally address what’s holding you back and start moving toward the life you truly want.

I offer secure, online therapy for women in Michigan, Missouri, Colorado, Texas, and South Carolina. Whether you’re feeling stuck in your career, relationships, or personal growth, I’m here to help you break free.

Ready to stop feeling stuck and start moving forward? Contact me today to schedule your first session.